111 Days

Dear Joshua,

Today was the day we were hoping to meet you, the day we were aiming and planning for.  But it has been 3 months, 111 days to be exact since we met you and had to say goodbye.  We are doing ok, it’s certainly not how we hoped life would be right now… in fact right now I wish I was whinging about nappies, crying and lack of sleep, but instead Daddy and I are doing regular life again… but we are ok.  Losing you hasn’t been all bad… in fact there have been some really nice things to come from saying goodbye… I just wish that wasn’t the price that we had to pay.

It still just really sucks that you aren’t here with us, that we will not be bringing you home today or sometime soon, that we won’t be able to watch you grow and become the man we had hoped you would.  Daddy and I are still so proud of you all the same, you were and still are perfect.  Your future siblings will have a tough time living up to you, that’s for sure.  I still catch myself thinking that you will be here soon, that we will hold you again and that our family will be complete.  I really wish that it was true, that I was somehow just dreaming, but I know that I am not, and that you really are gone… for now at least.

We really miss you Josh and our lives have been forever changed.  Since having you, my beautiful little boy, I feel everything so much more intensely than before, the pain is deeper, the tears flow faster and heavier, the josh shaped hole is much much deeper… but the joy is brighter, the hope is more durable and the love is much much stronger and more rewarding.

You have allowed me to slow down and take stock of where I am at and what is important in my life.  Given me opportunities to let my guard down for a little while and not desperately attempt to convince everyone that I have it all together, to be more of me, more authentic.  You have also showed Daddy and I, how loved we are… it turns out that so many people are sad you aren’t here too and they have loved us, supported us and held us up when we couldn’t.  I am pretty sure you would have been the most loved baby in the world.

My precious Josh, you have made me more passionate about investing in those around me and in the wider world, loving people better and for standing up for the things I think need changing, rather than just sitting back and hoping someone else will fix it or that it will fix itself.  I think I value life so much more now that I have lost one so precious to things I can not control.  I suppose that in some way I want to prevent others from missing out on having the best when it can be prevented or improved, because you were the best and we couldn’t change what happened.  I am hoping that because of you, I can be a better person, a better friend and a better mum, that I will leave the world and the relationships I have better because of what you have taught me.  You have deepened my faith and strengthened my hope that there is more to us than just this, that your life will have some eternal consequence because we are not alone.

You have also taught me to truly trust in God, that he has got this and that his ways are higher and better than ours… even though I cannot work out why we cannot be together.  I am trusting that he will show me one day the reason, but until then I will be strong and courageous, I will not be afraid, I will not be discouraged because I am not alone, God is with me thought it all.  There is nothing that he does not have victory over and because of him I never have to be afraid of what’s to come.  I know that there will be nothing worse than losing you, but that even in this darkest moment, his grace, mercy and love have been and are sufficient and there is good… there is always good.

dearjoshuaJoshua, I love you so much, more than I thought was ever possible and I am so thankful that you are part of my life.  I won’t stop telling people about you and I will continue to hold onto your strength and cheekiness when mine is failing.  Thank you for changing our lives. Thank you for being my son. Thank you for teaching me so much in such a short time.

You are still the best and most perfect thing your dad and I have ever created, or ever had the privilege of calling ours and we are so proud of you, every inch, every kick, every minute we had with you and every minute, moment and struggle we have had since.  Josh you make Daddy and I better people and we love you so so very much.

I love you my sweet one.

Rest well,

Mummy

4 thoughts on “111 Days

  1. Oh Em, my beautiful girl, I love you so much! Such beautiful words you have written to your son, little Joshua. He certainly changed our lives forever! He is and always will be in my heart forever!!! 💜

  2. Pingback: So Long Summer… | The Most Curious George

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