Ok, I know this blog might seem a little strange given that I write a list of 100 goals each year and I have already posted about them, but over the last couple of weeks… maybe even months I have been thinking a lot more about the bigger picture. I guess these are the things that have shaped the items that I put on my list… but because they have been turning over and over and over again in my mind, I thought it might be helpful for me to write it out…
I feel like there is a lot of pressure from life to have things sorted, to get your life mapped out and run the race. Ideally, the path is clear and direct and you run towards it with minimal distractions and obstacles… but that is not how life works. People always tell you that the world used to be a simpler place, but I am not sure that is true either. Life is challenging… that is the real ‘simple’ truth… things don’t always go to plan, things aren’t always what you deem to be fair and people (including myself) fall short of my expectations constantly. But as I get older, and hopefully wiser, I am starting to understand the wisdom of life lessons told to me in years gone by. Things which at the time I received hopefully graciously, but decided that for whatever reason didn’t apply to me.
I have spent a lot of my life trying to be everything to everyone, and in the process forgotten who I actually am and by default what is important to me. Over the last couple of years, I have experienced what my counsellors have labelled ‘trauma’, physical and psychological… and while that sounds awful and it was… it’s made me stronger, more resilient and thankfully more aware of what I actually want in my life and on the flip side, what I don’t. It has provided me with time and experiences that have made me question everything and helped me work out who I am… which I guess has led me to this…
I am long term thinker, which can be, and has been both a blessing and a curse. I am a planner, I like to know what is going to happen and when, but I also like the option of being spontaneous even if I never take it. I feel things deeper than I ever have before and because I also like to fix things, I feel like it is my responsibility to do that… fix it all… I want my life to matter, and I want to make a difference, but I think this looks different in 2020 than it did even 2 years ago. I want to be part of the solution of big problems, but I am learning I can’t take on more than I am capable of. I need to push myself and stretch myself, but I also need to be kind to myself… so in light of all that, I have decided that this year I want to focus on just 3 things intentionally… I am sure there will be other things that come up across the year, but as I sit here today these are the big issues on my heart that I want to make deliberate steps to improve across the year…
I want to build on the friendships I have and make sure that my relationships are intentional and honest. That if I choose to withhold parts of my life… I want to know why and reassess… I am a pretty open book at the best of times, but that doesn’t mean I am always a good friend. I want to break bread with people, share my life with people, raise my son in community and in turn support and strengthen those around me. I want to be reliable… which let me be clear isn’t always available, but intentional and deliberate. I don’t want to be afraid of my weaknesses in a social setting, because I want to be part of a community that takes me as I am… growing and changing, but flawed… just like everyone else.
Reducing my footprint
This is something that has been on my heart for a long long time… I want to be less of a consumer and more of a partner. I want to learn to appreciate what I have and not constantly be sucked into the ‘more more more’ pull of the world. I want to do right by the earth and leave it in a better place than I found it, not continue to mindlessly contribute to its demise. But I want to do this right… in baby steps… one change at a time. I also want to reduce my footprint in my social and work settings… and while it might sound it this isn’t in direct opposition to my first goal of authentic community… rather it’s about how I approach things, people, groups and task. I often go into to things all guns blazing… full or preconceived ideas, expectations and demands… and to be honest, while most of it comes from a good place, because I am passionate, it’s not a helpful approach… I want to tread softly, to listen first… light steps mean smaller footprints… and perhaps more effective communication.
Life is short and fast… and unless I chose to pull out of the busy lane, it will stay this way. I want to enjoy my life, not just continue to push to the next task… I like to have things to do, but I want to also be able to stop and enjoy those things… not just cross it off my list. This last one should work really well with other two tasks above, I hope… because community and reducing my footprint takes time, they force me to stop and try new things… I want to simplify my world so that I can contribute to it better and in a more meaningful way. I want to be able to take in the moment… not just spend my life trying to capture a few manufactured perfect ones all ready for social media.
So that’s my three things… not small, and probably hard to measure, but I am hopeful about what my life might look like if I get this right. or even if I just improve a little. I am also choosing these three because they are positive… and they look at big problems and give me a way to help with what I have… I want to be hopefully in 2020, not stressed and tired and sad that the world is falling apart and I am missing all the good bits. I know it’s a lot… but I think it is achievable… and even though I hadn’t really articulated these ideas in my mind when I wrote my 2020 list, there are already a lot of things on the list that will help me work through my big things… for example last month I used my shampoo bar for the first time which I am not only very excited about because it’s one less plastic bottle… but it was no. 93 on my list… simple, sweet and helpful… once I have used it for a while I will let you know what it’s like… but even if it doesn’t work, or I forget to write… it’s a little step in the direction I want to be moving.
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