Dear Joshua

Dear Joshua,

I don’t really know how to write this blog/letter… It’s been a month since we met you and had to leave you… and I still don’t know how we even start to say goodbye?

Well I guess we start by saying this isn’t the end… mummy and daddy will be with you again one day.  Time will go so fast for you, partying up in heaven, but we will need to wait a little longer.  Either way we will be together again one day.  I will be able to hold you again and kiss your nose.  Daddy will be able to tuck you in and tell you how good you are, and we will both be able to tell you how much we love you.

Even though we didn’t get to meet you in person we are so proud of you.  Of your cheeky and defiant nature that we saw at your scans.  Of your perfect little body with your beautiful face and perfectly long hands and feet just like your dads.  And of your appetite… Turkish Delight milkshakes and pink donuts won’t be the same now that you are gone.

You were so strong and courageous, you held on for so long, right up until daddy told you it was ok, that if you needed to go to heaven without us, you could go.  Thank you for being so brave and making that tough decision for us.  We aren’t surprised that you chose heaven, I have heard it’s pretty incredible, but I really wish you had have stayed.  Earth could have been pretty fun too.

Daddy and I are so sad that you aren’t going to be staying with us.  This isn’t what we wanted, but we are so glad that we got to meet you just for a moment.  I am heartbroken that I never got to hear you cry or laugh or watch you fall sleep, but I loved every moment I spent with you, holding you and soaking it all in.

Life is really hard now that we have known you and had to say goodbye.  Our house feels empty without you and I feel like I have lost part of my purpose.  For the 24weeks I carried you, my life was all about you, keeping you safe and growing you to be strong, but now you are gone. We are trusting that Jesus has saved both you and us from something even more devastating, but right now, not having you here really stinks.  Even though I only knew you for a short time, part of me feels like I have known you my whole life and losing you has left a pretty big hole in my heart.

My precious and perfect Joshua, be strong and courageous, don’t be afraid, don’t be discouraged.  Remember the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.  We will try and be strong and courageous without you, we probably won’t be as convincing as you, but we will try.

Please know how much we love you and cherish you.  You are the best and most perfect thing your dad and I have ever created, or ever had the privilege of calling ours and we are so proud of you, every inch, every kick and every minute we had with you.

Thank you for making me a mummy,

I love you my sweet one.

Rest well,


A Little Curious… George

Well it’s been a while since I have updated my blog… I have started a few times, but never finished.  But there is a reason…

Have you ever realised something a moment after everyone else? Listened to your words in slow motion as your brain worked it out and started to panic first?  I have…

For the last couple of months I have been more tired than I thought was possible…  I have been eating some pretty random foods, lots which I haven’t wanted in years, mostly from the carb family… while avoiding all day nausea… and I have been keeping a pretty big secret…

We’re having a baby!IMG_6356

Yep, you read that right… we’re having a baby.  February next year there will be a small Curious George bouncing around and it is still sinking in…  This is actually happening… right now…

At the moment I am 14 weeks… well almost 15… and I am starting to feel better, still tired and I have things that ache that I didn’t know I had, but I am good.  I am starting to eat better again which is also good for both me and the little person currently taking up residence in my womb… (Who would have thought I would ever use the word womb)… although I did enjoy the Pop-tarts that crept back into my diet over the past 10ish weeks and kept me going.

This has all happened a lot faster than Dave and I thought it would, even though we have talked about babies for a couple of years and had agreed that once we got back from Europe we would consider it more seriously… neither of us thought it would be happening this fast.  Don’t get me wrong, we are very excited, but also a little in shock.  Well I am in shock… Dave is buying booties and other baby paraphernalia with the groceries each week.  The truth is I just thought it would take longer… and I was just really under prepared for it to happen so fast.  So much so, that I went to see the doctor with all the basic pregnancy symptoms and it wasn’t until I was telling the doctor aloud that I realised what was happening… I could hear my voice speaking words, and my as my brain put it all together the penny dropped just as my doctor looked a little bemused… and here we are 10 weeks later and part of me is still trying to get my head around it… What it means for us as a family… what we need to do… and where to start on the list of things the internet tells me we will need…

For the last 10ish weeks it has been a little secret between Dave and I.  We have been quickly and secretly googling random foods and ingredients for listeria risk as they are served to us at the dinner table and lying through our teeth when people ask us what we have been up to… “not much” is probably accurate, but still a little misleading.

Sharing our secret with everyone now is making it seem even more real, very quickly. And as I have started to process it all, I have decided that it is equal parts exciting and terrifying. There is so much unknown ahead and lots and lots of questions… here are a some of this weeks concerns…

  • Will I still be able to be the vice caption of the Mixed Nuts Netball team if I am sided for a while?
  • How late is too late to fly when you’re pregnant?
  • If I don’t go to Jamaica in December… will I ever get to go?
  • How quickly can an air conditioner be installed?
  • How will I survive a summer without a 50¢ cone?
  • How soon is too soon to want maternity clothes?
  • Have I always been this good at lying?
  • Do the lies we have told, as Todd Flanders suggested, ‘make baby Jesus cry’?

This is without a doubt the biggest adventure we have attempted yet, bigger than Castlemaine, bigger than getting married and bigger than seeing the world… but I think it might just be the best one yet!