Tag Archives: Faith

Yes! I am Running,

Posted in Life, The List by

This time two weeks ago I was enjoy the post run high after running (ish… there was some walking) my third half marathon… and it was emotional. I cried at the start line and I cried a lot at the finish and I have realised that this event had been holding so much emotion within it that I wasn’t expecting.

I am sure I am not the only one that feels like this year is really busy, busier than years gone by, and I don’t know if the world is just spinning faster, or if it’s just what happens when you try to balance work and mum life… but it has been a full year. The last couple of months, in particular, have pushed me past busy into stressed and tired and overwhelmed. I have been working more, Isaac is busier in himself… being 2 is hard and busy… there is so much playing to be done between naps. Dave have also been busy with School and our weekends have been packed with things, albeit fun things, but things all the same. There hasn’t been a lot of downtime. We have also rearranged out living spaces at home to move the TV out of the way and be more deliberate about not watching it, but I am not sure if this has helped with the downtime or made it less relaxing. Anyway… the point of all of this has been that I have been feeling overwhelmed, really overwhelmed and probably since the beginning of term 3 in July, I feel like I have been racing out of control from one event to the next, living by my calendar and just hoping for the best in between. It’s not a super fun way to live… in fact in kinda takes the joy out of all of the events because the next one is already bubbling away in the back of your brain.  

While my life was slowly spinning out of control, I had also been attempting to train for this half marathon… and while I probably took it more seriously than I have previously, making sure that at the very least I did all the long runs and something else, I forgot how hard it was to include training when life was simpler (I know it didn’t feel simple at the time, but I know with hindsight it was). Adding a dependent child in, really stops you from just going for a 2-hour run spontaneously… you have to plan this stuff… especially because Dave needs to do the same run as well. There was a lot to do and not a heap of time… but it’s done and I made it and the relief is very very real.  

I have been talking about doing this half marathon for almost 2 years, using it as a delay tactic to avoid talking about having more kids… because you can’t run a half marathon and be pregnant… (although according to one lady’s race bib I saw while running… ‘Baby on Track’ that’s not entirely true… apparently you can). Anyway, I realised as I stood at the start line that this was the last event in my mind… this was where I had been heading… I also started to panic, overwhelmed by the fact that I was about to run 21.1km and I wasn’t sure how well I would make it… I knew I would most likely make it, but I didn’t know how well, or what that would look like. I was also overwhelmed by the crowd, so many people all ready to achieve this together, people of all shapes and sizes, for all different reasons, running together. I think that part of me was also overwhelmed because I didn’t have a plan for what was to come next… That after this, I was done with events and things, even if it was only for a little bit.  

As I started to run I remembered a song I had listened to on previous fun runs and dug it out of my music collection and pushed play on ‘Home’ by CityAlight… these are the lyrics:  

Yes! I am running
Won’t be long ’til I am home
Yes! I am running
Jesus bring me safely home 

Jesus lead me day by day
Fix my eyes upon Your face
Guide my feet, Lord, as I run
Hold me Saviour in Your love 

Jesus keep me free from sin
Help me fight the war within
Shield me now from fear and doubt
Break these chains that weigh me down
Oh we sing together now 

Yes! I am running
Won’t be long ’til I am home
Yes! I am running
Jesus bring me safely home 

Jesus You have run the race
Perfect love and perfect faith
We are weary, You are strong
In Your grace we carry on
Oh we sing together now 

Yes! I am running
Won’t be long ’til I am home
Yes! I am running
Jesus bring me safely home  

It became my prayer for the first 3km… a very literal prayer from eternal words… that Jesus would guide my physical feet as I ran the Melbourne Half Marathon.  

I realised as I ran how much of the last three years I had hidden in this event, delay, disappointment, fear, and expectation. That somehow if I could get through those 21kms, I could forgive my body for not carrying and birthing Isaac or Josh the way I thought it should have. That if I could just get through those 21km I could prove to myself that I am strong, that I am capable, that I can still do hard things. That if I could just get through those 21km, then maybe I could finally let myself hope and trust myself enough to see a brighter future.  

As I crossed the line, I felt like a weight and been lifted off my shoulders, I fully relaxed for the first time in a long time and it wasn’t just a physical relax because my muscles couldn’t do anymore, but an emotional and mental relaxation. I felt lighter and hopeful but also just so so relieved. Relieved that I had made it, relieved that it wasn’t awful, and relieved that my body hadn’t let me down again… that I was stronger than I believed.  

21.1km is a long way… and it takes a long time, even longer when you run at my pace… but it also gives you a lot of time to reflect and think if you want it and finishing it is empowering.    

It’s time for a List update… Part 1.

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It’s not often that I find myself sitting in a cafe alone twice in the one week, but when you have a free hour and the baby is hanging out with Daddy, you seize the moment with all that you have… when I told Dave I had a bonus hour his response was go and write a blog somewhere, so that’s what I am doing…

That was 4 months ago… and then life happened… as it always does, but it’s time to get back on the blogging horse and do a massive list update. I find these hard to write despite having the content already… its hard to write them in a way that keeps things interesting… but I will do my best… are you ready?

Its the beginning of August which means we are now well over half way through 2019 and seeing as this blog is taking me forever to write I have decided that I am going to release it in parts… because some blog is better than none… So… 2019’s list… well so far in 2019 I have crossed 34 things off the list… just over a third… but I’ve only blogged about 3, so here are the rest…

January

January was a good month for the list… we crossed of 7 things:

My bestie was home for Christmas and so we walked, no. 50 (completed: 08/01), and I went to the movies with her to see Mary Poppins Returns, no. 96 (completed: 02/01).

We purchased a standing desk for our home office, and while I am still working out the best system to get the right balance of standing and sitting, I can now ‘work on my feet’ as requested by no. 88 (completed 07/01), and I love it. It helps break up my tasks and it gives me a reason to move a little more while I work. Although apparently I still don’t move very much even when I am standing… sometimes I can stand for an hour to work, but it’s not enough movement for my watch to register that I have stood… we’ll add this to the list of things I am working on.

I am proud to say that I have finally finished the bible plan I started two years ago… to read the bible in a year… it may have taken me well over 2 years, but it’s done and no. 65 (completed 24/01) is crossed off. It’s also the first time I have read through the entire bible front to back… I am glad that the pressure of the plan is gone, but also that I have read the whole bible… it’s a good book.

On a fun afternoon with Pheebs, Isaac and I made our own play doh.. although Isaac wasn’t as impressed as Pheebs and I were, but that was no. 27 (completed 25/01),

At the end of January, as Isaac started to try some longer days at childcare I went back to the pool and swam some laps, no. 30 (completed 29/01). This was seriously good, I am going to try and do some more of this in 2019… there is something very calming about the quiet of the water and the regularity of the laps… it’s good for the soul… and the body.

The other January list item was my baby brother’s wedding… but I already blogged about that here.

February

Feb was another good month for listing… in fact it was just as good as January because we crossed off another 7 things…

I’m not sure if its the same need for me to know things that brought about my interest in brids… but I have also taken to looking at things and thinking… I could do that… or I can fix that… so here enters no. 80 learn a new skill (completed 03/02), I am becoming a sewing wizz… well that may be an overstatement, but I am getting better at it.  In Feb I learnt how to do a ladder stitch which I used to fix the lining of my hand bag which had given way after some misuse on my behalf.  Since then I have repaired the same bag twice more, fixed a soft toy of Isaac’s and managed to preserve Josh in the Curious George plush that we brought and that held him just before we said goodbye. I had been umming and ahhing about getting this professionally done, and even though it took a long time, I am now glad I waited and that I was able to do it myself.

In the same vain as no. 80, no. 08 ‘Use my sewing machine’ (completed 10/02) is also crossed off… although rather than repair works this was mostly to help me also cross of no. 12 ‘Finish Isaac’s Quiet book’ off the list too (completed 28/02). Isaac’s quiet book has been a labour of love… it’s taken me a lot longer than I thought it would, but it has already had a lot of use… it’s basically a felt book full of felt activities that don’t make any noise, but in theory keep him occupied and quiet at church… or other places that require children to keep it down for any length of time… although it doesn’t keep him as quiet as I would have hoped… we’ll work on that bit.

Isaac started finally started his swimming lessons this year and I got my first chance to hop in the pool with him on the 21st which meant we were able to cross no. 53 off the list. In fact it’s been a big month for my mum list items… we also crossed off no. 33 ‘Be ok with Isaac going to childcare’ too… I am not sure if I will ever be totally comfortable… but I think ok is an accurate description right now.

The last item I was able to cross of the list in Feb was no. 100… ‘Listen to at least one audiobook’ (completed 27/02). Before having Isaac to listen to a lot of audiobooks… but I have found this much harder to do sharing my car with little ears as my book choices aren’t always baby friendly… but this one, ‘Stronger than the Struggle’by Havilah Cunnington was… I am hoping to find some more… or maybe when he is a bit older we can pick them together… but to be honest I am probably going to stick with my usually super safe ‘Stuff You Should Know’ podcast for now (which by the way is a ripper… you should totally listen to it too).

Ok… so that’s the first two months of the year… and it’s taken me months to finish this far… so I think it would be a good idea to take a break here and post it… so that you can catch up… while I attempt to start writing the next update… hopefully that one will take less time… but we will see.

Big Bands and Brisbane

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Um… excuse me… but did you know Brisbane is beautiful? Seriously it is amazing… and that’s not just my frosted Melbourne heart talking. 23degrees in winter, beautiful buildings, incredible public spaces and it’s so clean. I love Melbourne, but Brisbane, it turns out is pretty great.

Dave, Isaac and I have just spent the long weekend up in Brisbane with the Salvo Big Band, Dave playing his Alto Sax (and a little bit of Clarinet) and me singing. We also had my Mum come up with us to help us take care of Isaac when both Dave and I were needed in the band… she was a total life saver. This trip not only crossed number 8 off Isaac’s list but it was also my first proper band tour. Previously I had travelled with the band to Sweden for the Salvation Army’s World Youth Convention in 2010 where the band performed but we also attended the convention. Since then we have missed a couple of trips due to our untimely trips into hospital, so in the lead up to this weekend I had been playing it very safe… determined not to end up missing out again.

The weekend was full on, with back to back gigs, but just like any camp or trip when you get to spend more time with people than you usually would it was also wonderful. There is something really nice about seeing people all day everyday, experiencing new places and events with them and getting to share your gifts and talents in combination with theirs and present them to people for the first time.

I find it really hard to write blogs like this without it quickly becoming my dreaded grade 5 journal piece… so in an attempt to avoid that I have summed it up into 5 little highlights… 5 might seem like a lot, but it was actually pretty hard to do.

1. Catch ups with family
I am lucky enough to be part of a big family… my mum is one of 6 kids and for as long as I can remember I have had at least one uncle/auntie living interstate or overseas. My Uncle Ken and Auntie Marg live in Brisbane, so it was the perfect opportunity to have a quick catch up between sets.

2. Singing in public 

Before our first performance on Saturday morning I hadn’t really given my role in the band a lot of thought. I had spent the week worrying about what I needed to take for myself and for Isaac. What the days would look like and what I needed to have ready for mum so that taking care of Isaac would be as easy as possible. I hadn’t thought about what I would be doing or where it would be happening from a personal performance perspective. I love to sing, really love to sing… and I love to sing with the Big Band, but I am often very quick to dismiss my contribution. I am not a trained singer as such, but have spent my life singing in church. Getting up in front of people I know and singing is usually more daunting that singing in front of those I don’t know… but when you put me out in the open… that’s another kettle of fish. Our first gig was in Queen Street Mall, right in the heart of Brisbane CBD. We performed after the Navy Band which made me a little more nervous than I would have liked, but I got up there and I sang, and more importantly I held my own. At the end of the weekend, after I had sung in the city, at a concert Fassifern, sung and lead worship at Carindale Salvation army and performed at both Westfield Garden City and Nudgee Secondary College, I was reminded that even just getting up to talk at many of these places is a huge deal for lots of people, for lots of reasons. Being able to sing, and sing well, is huge. I didn’t sing it all perfectly, and thankfully in jazz you can get away with some of that, but even just the fact that I had the courage to perform in such a public place is pretty amazing… and to my amazement, people seemed to enjoy it… I am pretty chuffed.

3. Isaac
 and his Nanna
Where do I start with this? A couple of months before we left my mum made a through away comment about coming to Brisbane with us to help with Isaac… Dave and I heard her and thought that actually that would be really helpful and rang her to find out if she was serious. Turns out she was… so up to QLD she came and my goodness me, was it great to have her there. One thing about having a baby that I haven’t quite adapted to yet is the fact that they need someone with them all the time… which means on a trip like this if Dave and I are both performing we need someone to look after him, or one of us doesn’t perform. Believe it or not, I can get very distracted by people, especially when I am in performance mode… which is not ideal when your husband is packing up his instruments and you are supposed to parenting. But having mum with us to fill the gaps, and more, was beyond amazing. Plus it was really nice to watch Isaac and her together… Isaac really loves his Nanna.

4. Nudgee College
NudgeeOn our final day of the trip the band spent some time at St Joseph’s Nudgee College. While we were we put on a concert and workshop for the grade 5 students. In the workshop the instrumental musicians from the band were dispersed through the schools grade 5 band to help them learn the new jazz techniques they were learning. It was so nice… actually I think pure joy is a better description to hear the difference in the band and watch the faces of the students as they achieved things they didn’t think they would be able to. Watching kids learn is one of my all time favourite things to do… wonder is an incredible gift.

5. Remembering why  

This weekend has also been a really good reminder as to why I am in the big band. The Salvo Big Band has a really unique opportunity to meet people in places that other salvo groups may not be able to go. To witness and bring the gift of music to people from all walks of life and to share in worship with corps and salvationists in places and in a style that is different from the everyday. The Band’s purpose is to shine light… and that’s what I think we have done this weekend… shone light, in both dark places and light places, but still light.


So that was my long weekend… now I need some sleep… well at least I can hope for sleep… I still have to parent 🙂

A Time to Weep and a Time to Laugh

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Today is a pretty special day… well tonight really… tonight is a really special night, because tonight Dave and I dedicated Isaac back to Jesus.

For those unfamiliar with what a dedication is, it is similar to a child being baptised of christened in other churches. In the Salvos we have babies dedicated and it is actually a ceremony more about the parents than the child. Tonight Dave and I had the opportunity to publicly acknowledge the miracle that Isaac is and God’s provision and guidance through our journey so far. And we promised to do our best by Jesus and Isaac in how we raise him.

For me, tonight was also the end of one chapter and the beginning of the next. When Josh died, we had some of the elements of the dedication included in his funeral. Which is tricky because lots of the parts that we weren’t able to include were promises for the future which was a constant reminder of what we weren’t going to be able to do for him. We know that he is with Jesus, but having lived through losing him, for much of Isaac’s first 7 weeks, and even every now and then, still, I fear that we won’t get to keep Isaac earth side either. Isaac is thriving and doing all the right things, but in the back of my mind there is still a chance we might not get to keep him despite the prophecy that he is our keeper. I know that I will probably have some anxiety around this for a long time to come, and I think some of it is just because I am a mum… and mums worry… but it is something that I need to keep under control… something that I need to learn to trust with… and I think that tonight is the starting point.

Tonight’s dedication, being able to celebrate his life and to hope and make promises about his future in some strange way feels like we made it. We made it past the point we made with Josh. Which I know we did ages ago in an earthly, he’s alive, sense… but it feels like the scary chapter of ‘will he or won’t he’ is finally finished and a new chapter of parenting and Isaac growing has begun. That now we are back on the normal path and doing what we should have always been able to do. It almost feels like a fresh start. I think this has been helped by the fact that we are slowly reducing the amount of appointments we have to attend and the oxygen seems to be the last hurdle to jump… and even that hurdle is different and feels achievable with time, but there is also a real peace to this new season…

During the dedication Bram used a passage from Ecclesiastes 3:1-8 which says:

There is a time for everything,
 and a season for every activity under the heavens:
a time to be born and a time to die,
 a time to plant and a time to uproot,
a time to kill and a time to heal,
 a time to tear down and a time to build,
a time to weep and a time to laugh, a time to mourn and a time to dance,
a time to scatter stones and a time to gather them,
 a time to embrace and a time to refrain from embracing,
a time to search and a time to give up,
 a time to keep and a time to throw away,
a time to tear and a time to mend,
 a time to be silent and a time to speak,
a time to love and a time to hate,
 a time for war and a time for peace.

For us, Joshua was our time to weep and our time to mourn, and I truly believe that Isaac is our time to laugh and our time to dance… after all laughter is in his name.

So tonight was not only special… but a time to start over, to claim the promises we have been given and a time to rejoice and hope for what’s to come.

Our Curious Life: Week 13

Posted in Family, Life, Our Curious Life, The List by

 

 

 

You know a week is going to be good when it starts with Brady Bunch Dinner and ends with a public holiday and a trip to the beach! That, my friends, is how to week!

This week we have spent a lot of time with family… Starting with Dinner at Dad and Naz’s with all the siblings, partners and bonus siblings… just like the Brady Bunch… hence Brady Bunch Dinner. We had a visit from Nanna to deliver the cutest mustard cardigan you have ever seen and ended with Good Friday Lunch with Dave’s Dad, Sister and Brother-in-law.

We also got the best milestone every… our first giggles… and I tell you there is not much I wouldn’t do to hear more of Isaac’s little chuckle.

This week also sees the end of March… but not quite the beginning of April… so you just the month worth of pictures… but you’ll have to wait until next week to see Isaac tick over another month milestone…

On Thursday I also ordered my first box of ‘Who gives a crap’ toilet paper… This year I have been thinking a little more about the things that I buy and the waste they make… so in addition to my Thankyou nappies and wipes which we love and which help mothers in less fortunate countries… I have decided that it’s time to give some recycled toilet paper that helps build toilets a go… so hopefully they will arrive next week… I’ll let you know how we go!

Oh and seeing as it’s today… Happy Easter… at the George’s we are very glad that Jesus is risen…

One

Posted in Faith, Family, God, Life by

Dear Joshua,

Hi mate, it’s mummy here. It’s been a long time since I wrote you a letter but today would have been your 1st birthday, so I thought it was time to write again.

To be honest, it’s been really hard to write to you, losing you has left a huge hole in mummy’s heart and while it has been mending slowly, it will never be quite the same again. Since knowing and losing you, I am now afraid of things I had never thought were even possible, but I know how to love deeper and with a fierceness that I didn’t know I had.  As I sit here at Monash Medical Centre writing this from the same place we met you one year ago, it’s overwhelming.  I miss you so much and really wish you could have stayed.  I wanted to watch you grow and to see what kind of man you would have become. I am pretty sure you would have been a champion, with your defiance and determination… you would have been unstoppable!

For a little while this year I have had to try not to think about you for too long, because a lot has happened in the past 12months… and remembering has made it scary and hard… You now have a baby brother, Isaac, and even though he has helped mummy heal, he isn’t you. I know that there is no way I could have ever had both of you on earth at the same time, but I really wish it could have been possible somehow.  That you could have stayed, and that you and Isaac could have grown up together.

While mummy was carrying Isaac she couldn’t look at pictures of you, or wear the necklace she had made with your hands and foot prints because they reminded her of how hard it would be to lose him too.  I’m sorry I couldn’t wear my reminder of you all the time… but now that he is here I think about you a lot. I think about how similar the two of you are, what you might have been like if you had stuck around and how much I have learnt from knowing you.

You, my dear boy, have taught me how much I wanted to be a Mum. It took me a little while to get there and you were a big price to pay, but losing you made me realise how ready I actually was, and how much I had wanted to complete our family.

You have taught me that life is hard, but even in the darkest times there are beautiful moments, like holding you, singing to you, and kissing your tiny nose.  That we are loved by so many, and that even though your wider family is very large and a bit messy, this family of ours is supportive and reliable and even more important than I had ever realised.

You have taught me to be stronger, to hold on, and to hope even when it isn’t easy. You have taught me to trust and because of you my faith is deeper and more real. I know I will see you again and I know there was a purpose for you coming and going… but I just have to wait, heaven is not so far.  You have taught me that I can get up in the morning, even if I need daddy to help me… and that the sun will shine and I can get through the day… even when it is really hard… thanks for the beautiful wether today to remind me.

Because of you I got to watch your dad become a great dad and an even better husband. He is so much stronger, more faithful and loving than I knew before this.  You have made us an even better team.

You have taught me I am not alone, since losing you I have spoken to, heard from and read about so many other women and families that have been through this grief of losing something so precious. That as ugly as it is, 5 babies are born sleeping everyday in Australia, a country with the best medical care and resources… and this is a stat that still breaks mum’s heart.  You have made me advocate and encouraged me to speak out about heartache and loss so that hopefully no other babies have to go too soon, and no other mummies are left with empty arms.

But most importantly my sweet baby boy, you have made me a better Mum. Because I loved you first, I hold Isaac tighter, I speak up when I am worried and I don’t take any of it for granted.  You have taught me that I could do it… that I was made to be a Mum.  Of course because I now know that precious little boys can be taken away, I am scared, but I am holding on to him with all that I am. I tell him all about you and I know you have been watching over him, because there is no way he would have known to go limb first without your cheeky influence.  You two would have gotten into all kinds of trouble together.

Today daddy and I will visit Isaac, but then we will go and have some pink donuts and a Turkish delight milkshake and think about you… how you made us parents, how you taught us to love and together we will try to work out how we go on without you for another year.

I love you little one and I miss you,

Sleep well precious boy,

Love mummy. 

26weeks & 56minutes…

Posted in Curious George, Faith, Family, God, Life by

Ok… it’s been a while… months in fact.. but there has been a really good reason…

When I posted my last blog… right before my birthday, I was 9ish weeks pregnant and pretending to be upbeat and excited about my birthday, rather than crawling back into bed to sleep the whole of the first trimester away.  I had been waiting to post about the second little baby George because I was really really nervous about letting people know.  I was scared that we would lose this baby as well, and I wasn’t sure how I would ever be able to cope losing another child let alone telling the world that it had happened. So… after losing Josh at 24 weeks last year, and the doctors telling us that if we could get to 26 weeks the baby would have a much better chance, 26 weeks became my magic number.  The number after which I would tell the world about baby George no. 2, I would start clearing out the room again and I would start purchasing things we would need like a cot and pram etc. It was the number that I needed to get to before I would let myself believe things would be ok… that we would get to keep this baby and I could let myself breathe…

26 weeks was 9 weeks ago… and the last 9 weeks have been quite a rollercoaster. In week 25 of my pregnancy I was admitted to hospital for bed rest in the hope that it would delay baby George from making an unexpected arrival. After the initial shock of potentially having to stay in hospital lying down until November, I had settled in and was ready for the long hall and secretly pretty excited that I could ride out the rest of winter in air-conditioned comfort, because if all went according to plan, I wouldn’t be leaving until it was pretty much summer… but it wasn’t to be… On Tuesday 1st August, 56 minutes into week 26 Isaac Ezekiel arrived… 35cm long and 827g.

Isaac arrived in a hurry, and just like his brother, had turned around at the last minute to make his entry more dramatic, needing an emergency caesarean as he had decided to come feet first. But, he arrived, breathing and even letting out a small cry which is a moment that I will never forget. Despite all the panic and fear that I felt that night, hearing that cry and knowing he was alive brought so much relief.  That night Dave and I took up a joint residence, in many ways, at the hospital, as even though we could go home after a week, Isaac had to stay.

Once again our lives were turned upside down. I had been expecting that taking a baby home… preferably at full term, would change our lives totally, but I wasn’t expecting the ups and downs of having a baby that had to stay in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU). It has been so bitter-sweet visiting him, first in his isolette (humidicrib) and now in his cot… because all the emotion of having a baby is still there, but you can’t just pick him up, you can’t hold him until he falls asleep, and you are always wondering what will happen to him.  Even little things like changing his nappy is quite a task through the little arm holes in the cot, especially if you have tiny little arms like mine. Yet, he is here, he is alive and he is ok… and that is all that really matters.

Fast forward to today and Isaac is still doing well, I think I would even say really well… although there is still a huge part of me that is still waiting for something awful to happen that will take him from us. Dave and I have spent every day of the last 9 weeks traveling from home to the hospital and back again between breast pump expressions, baby store trips and tiny pockets of sleep. Our lives look and feel totally unrecognisable, and while that is probably true… and maybe even standard, for most new parents, I feel like our newborn phase one, the phase while he is in hospital, would have been totally unfathomable to me, if you had have described it to me before now.

Isaac is so strong and much braver than me. He has already faced so much and it is impossible to describe how proud I am of him. There is still fear… fear about whether or not his difficult and dramatic start to life will have any impact on him as he grows… wondering if everything has continued to develop and grow the way it should have if he was still inside, but there is also hope and faith.

Just before we found out we were having Isaac, I had been praying a lot about having children and really felt like I had to give my desperate desire for a family over to God. I knew that my faith was bigger, and my relationship with Him was more important than the plans I had for my own life.  That ultimately God’s plans for Dave and I were better… even if they didn’t look like the ‘good’ plans I had come up with… so one night a church event, in tears, I handed it all back, making peace with the fact that if God called me to follow him childless… I would. Minutes after praying this alone and with Dave, a man, whose name I do not know, asked to pray with us and unprompted, specifically prophesied children in our future… at the time we didn’t know we were already pregnant, but we knew there would be a child… a promised child and that was enough. So when we found out we were pregnant again we were pretty excited and I really felt that this was the promised baby I would get to keep.

So when Isaac arrived so early and so little I had to choose to hold on to the promise I had for him and to remember that God loved him even more than I did, and that even though it didn’t look the way I thought, protection and promise would look… that God was holding him and knitting him together just as He said he would.  This choice to trust and declare good things for his little life were why we chose to name him Isaac Ezekiel… Isaac means “he will laugh, he will rejoice” and Ezekiel means “God will strengthen”.  We liked them together and thought of them as a bit of a prophetic declaration over his life, regardless of what we could see then and can see now.

It’s really hard to trust and hope when things have gone so badly before and when you are a bit of a control freak and think you know how things should be… but I have had to learn to… and God has been faithful.  Isaac is here and he is healthy and now he is getting bigger and stronger everyday.  In fact so dramatic has his improvement been in the last week and a bit, Dave and I have had to get a wriggle on with setting up his room, because he could be coming home very soon. Most likely we will need to wait until his due date, so still early November, but in the chaos of the last 9weeks… that’s now only 5 weeks away… and then phase two, the newborn at home phase will begin…

Between now and then there is still a lot to do, finish the room, learn to breastfeed, work out what the heck we are doing… oh and the list, I haven’t forgotten about that… its been buzzing away in the background… but it was time to write, time to share and time to add Zac to the Curious George family.  Hopefully now as we settle into this new routine of being parents, I will get back to blogging a little more regularly, because I have missed it… but it was hard to know where to start… but here it is… the last 6 months of our crazy and very unpredictable life…

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P.S Until recently I hadn’t read the original Curious George book… we read it to Zac in the hospital… and it’s pretty nuts… who just takes a monkey from the jungle and expects it to be house trained?

P.P.S This wonderful photo is thanks to Heartfelt, who, once again, have given Dave and I a beautiful gift of photographic memory of this really difficult chapter in our families lives… they are truly wonderful.

Pathways in the Wilderness… New Things for 2017…

Posted in Faith, God, Life by

So this is something new for this year, Thankful Thursday.  It may not be every week, but according to the list it will be at least once a month, and it is something I am looking forward to doing.

Learning to be satisfied and content with who I am, what I have and where I am at, is something that I have struggled with.  Sometimes this dissatisfaction has been helpful, as it has pushed me to change things, try things or even improve myself… but sometimes it’s just a misunderstanding of my life compared to the highlight reels that I look at daily on social media.

I have often thought about having a break from Facebook, Instagram and twitter, however, there are lots of things I really like about all of these platforms, but I have to constantly remind myself, that I am only looking at what people want me to see, the sections of their lives that they have chosen to include.  That I am not seeing everything, and often not the bad bits, but rather, if it isn’t a ‘highlight’ it’s still just the bits they haven chosen to share, often things they wish they could change or do differently in an attempt to get some motivation to change, or some accountability.

So, to combat this in my own life (but probably make things worse for someone else as I add more to the highlight reel, sorry, but see above)  I have decided this year to get better at practicing gratitude.  That means being thankful for the things I have, the people in my life, and that stage of life that I am in.  Sometime it will even mean looking for the good when life isn’t as rosy or easy as well as I would like, or think it should be.  Stopping to see the good things God is doing in my life even when I have to work a little harder to bring them into focus.

So this is the first one… a Thankful Thursday…  and to be honest right now I am just thankful to be feeling pretty good.  I am definitely not where I thought I would be when I was planning January 2017 last year, but where I am is ok.  For the last couple of weeks my Facebook memories and Timehop app have been flooding my phone with memories of our adventures to Europe and New Zealand and for the first time in a long time I am feeling ok about not having a holiday planned.  It’s been really nice to be able to reminisce without getting jealous of my summers past, and to actually just take a minute to appreciate how lucky we were to have had those experiences.  It’s also the first summer for a long time that I haven’t been bitterly jealous of my friends on school holidays.  Although it has probably helped that I have only just returned to work after 3months, I think that for the first time in a long time I am ok with my current lot in life.

This summer I have been able to look back on all of the things we have done and smile.  I am so thankful for the things we did, the places we saw, the people we met and the fun we had.  I am also really thankful to be having a ‘proper’ Australian summer for the first time in 3 years… where it is hot and the beach is wonderful and inviting.  I am thankful for the time I have had to get some little projects done, to clean out the house and to just rest and be restored.  I am thankful for the fresh start that 2017 has been, even if it has just been a mental one.  I am thankful that God promises new things… Over the past couple of months some Old Testament verses have really stuck out and popped up regularly, so I am thankful that I can claim them for my year ahead… here is what I am holding on to…

 “I am about to do something new.   See, I have already begun! Do you not see it?  I will make a pathway through the wilderness.  I will create rivers in the dry wasteland.” Isaiah 43:19

“The kindness of the Lord has not ended, his mercies are not spent” Lamentations 3:22

”This is my command—be strong and courageous! Do not be afraid or discouraged. For the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.” Joshua 1:9

I am really excited and thankful in advance for new things, pathways in the wilderness and rivers in wasteland… new mercies and kindness and the encouragement to be strong, bold and courageous, because I am not alone.

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