Our Curious Life: Week 2

Week 2 has been a week of friends, family and the good things about summer… It has also been another good week for the list.  In fact, even Isaac was able to cross something his first list.

We started this week with great food, beautiful sunshine and good friends as we learnt how to barefoot bowl at my sister in law’s Hen’s… and despite having a few family members that are quite good at bowling… my skills left a lot to be desired.  We then continued to celebrate Ness and our new skills (even if they remained poor) at a roof top bar with delicious tapas.  And… seeing as Dave was a Bridesman, our whole family was able to spend the afternoon together… it was a pretty great way to start a week.  Learning a new game also meant that we crossed no. 39. Play a Game of some kind, off the list.

I fully embraced the fact that my bestie has been home for Christmas, so we made the most of her presence with walks, dinners and a delicious brunch at our favourite local Half Half.   At brunch Isaac got to cross his first thing off the list as he hung out with his ladies and loved every minute.  He also got to wear his new jeans which match his Aunty K’s.  (I also got to brunch with my besties and given that one of them is hard to brunch with living in London… we both got to cross this off on the same day, so Isaac’s picture is with K).

We won a donut wall to use to celebrate Isaac’s birthday later in the year… so keep an eye out for that…

We hung out with family for take out, afternoon tea and post holiday catch ups, making the most of the pre-wedding celebrations and hanging out with family that have flown across the ditch from NZ.

We finished the week off with Ness’ wedding.  The wedding was the perfect nod to her and her partner… now husband, relaxed, fun and a little bit surprising.  There is no one else I know that could have embraced a torrential downpour through your whole wedding as well as these guys did.  Not only did they just go with it, but the enjoyed it and helped us to enjoy it to… because who would have a thought that a wedding in the middle of January could be quite that wet.

We also made he most of the glorious… although occasionally way to hot weather, with lots of family walks… the fit pig is back… but I think I need to do a few more walks before I can actually cross it off the list.  So there you go week 2… a little bit like a primary school diary entry… but I will get better at it.

Our Pram is Full

I have learnt a heck of a lot in the last 3 and a half months… I have learnt that babies are resilient as hell, NICU mums are a special bread of lady, that you can get addicted to monitors, that life is precious, that a change in rooms can mean more than just a different view and that gigil cafe at Monash Children’s Hospital can sustain you for 3 and a half months. I have learnt that Dave and I are a better team than we have ever been before, I have learnt that I have a voice and I can speak up, I can advocate and I can do more than I realised… and I have learnt that as much as I wish it was, my experience is not unique.

This week Dave and I are Participating in the Mercy Pram Jam. An event that is designed to raise awareness and much needed funds for research to prevent stillbirth and complications from premature birth. Even though our experiences have been at the Monash medical centre and the Monash children’s hospital, the pram jam is unique in its purpose… and being one of the 4 level 6 NICUs in Victoria, the knowledge gained by them through their research has the potential to impact the whole state… and any research that prevents the heart ache of still birth and the roller coaster of premature birth is a cause worth championing.

Dave and I first heard about Pram Jam in November last year when a Facebook friend of mine posted about her Pram Jam efforts. At the time, we had just lost Joshua, our beautiful first born son. The idea of raising pushing a pram to raise awareness was something that I really liked the idea of. It ticked all the boxes for me… a fun idea, a list worthy item and a good cause. But last year it was too soon… this year we found ourselves with a new baby boy also born way to soon, a tiny warrior with a huge fight on his hands and when we saw an opportunity to raise some money but more importantly awareness, we knew that this year we would be pram jamming. At the beginning of October when Dave and I decided to sign up, I thought we would have had weeks at home with Isaac already… well maybe a week… but there was no doubt in my mind that he would be home for it. As November got closer and closer I realised that there was a very real possibility that we would be pram jamming with an empty pram… not a problem, but not how I had pictured it… but today we are starting, and after 107 days he is home… and I am learning to drive the pram… which it turns out isn’t always as easy as it looks.

We are jamming for Josh and for Isaac, but we are also jamming for those mothers with whom I shared a knowing nod, for the mothers who weren’t as lucky as me and didn’t get to take their baby home. We are jamming for the babies that we left in the hospital who we hope will go home soon… but we are also jamming for the babies who will not. We are jamming with hope that the money we raise will make a difference, that discoveries will be made and that other families won’t have to travel the same path we have. We are jamming because even though I felt alone in my experience, I am not… We are jamming for the mums of the one baby in every 130 pregnancies that ends in still birth in Australia… We are jamming for all the families who lose their babies to the biggest killer of children under five worldwide, being born too soon… We are jamming to make it stop.

So how can you help? Well, just getting this far is a good start… but if you would like to support our Pram Jam fundraising you can also do that by clicking this link… https://pramjam2017.everydayhero.com/au/emma

I am not good at asking for money, in fact, it is something that I really don’t like doing… but this cause is bigger than me. It is something that 2 years ago I would have never thought about, but something that now makes me who I am, a mum of 2, raiser of 1.

This week Dave and I will be walking 20kms across the week… it may not sound like much, but given my novice pram status, our ‘new to us’ baby at home, the fact that I haven’t exercised well in almost 2 years and the very real possibility that my pelvic or abdominal muscles may not make it… it is quite the task and we are only 2kms in… but the goal is good and the cause is better… come pram jam with us.

Dear Isaac

Dear Isaac,

Today is the day we had planned to meet you… well on paper anyway. It was the day we were hoping for, the day that would have meant we had made it to full term this time round… but today you are 98 days old… 14 weeks… or 40 weeks corrected.

There are so many things that I want you to know, but the most important is that I love you and I am so super proud of you. Even though this isn’t the path we would have chosen, I wouldn’t give any of my 14 bonus weeks back. You are strong, brave and very clever and there is nothing that you can not overcome. You are a little warrior.

It has been hard to watch you fight these battles, but I have done it with confidence knowing how determined and stubborn you are and that you are fearfully and wonderfully made by someone who loves you even more than I do. I have also not done it alone… your dad is pretty amazing… and more tolerant than I ever gave him credit for. You have held us together when we thought our world was falling apart again.

Watching you grow has blown my mind… you are so great… I have never been more excited about someone gaining weight or pooping… but I guess that’s an unspoken joy of parenthood. I love watching you learn, get stronger and develop knew skills… I also really like the in built stuff… like hand holding and the best burps I have ever heard.

I love holding you, chatting to you and singing to you… and even though I though I had quite the repertoire, I have learnt that humming works just as well when the lyrics slip from your brain.

I love your little personality, your dramatic throat clearing, your extreme strain face, your skeptical looks, your sneaky peeks, your super wide eyes and your excellent wind smiles… I love it all.

Actually it turns out I am so glad that I didn’t have to wait until today, I am glad we have already spent three months together! I can’t wait to take you home, show you off and just be able to hang out with you all the time… I can’t not wait until I don’t have to leave you behind each night… but I know it will be soon enough, because you are such a mini champion that you will be out of there in no time.

Happy due date buddy! You are a superstar! Thanks for my bonus three months!

I love you,

Love Mummy

One

Dear Joshua,

Hi mate, it’s mummy here. It’s been a long time since I wrote you a letter but today would have been your 1st birthday, so I thought it was time to write again.

To be honest, it’s been really hard to write to you, losing you has left a huge hole in mummy’s heart and while it has been mending slowly, it will never be quite the same again. Since knowing and losing you, I am now afraid of things I had never thought were even possible, but I know how to love deeper and with a fierceness that I didn’t know I had.  As I sit here at Monash Medical Centre writing this from the same place we met you one year ago, it’s overwhelming.  I miss you so much and really wish you could have stayed.  I wanted to watch you grow and to see what kind of man you would have become. I am pretty sure you would have been a champion, with your defiance and determination… you would have been unstoppable!

For a little while this year I have had to try not to think about you for too long, because a lot has happened in the past 12months… and remembering has made it scary and hard… You now have a baby brother, Isaac, and even though he has helped mummy heal, he isn’t you. I know that there is no way I could have ever had both of you on earth at the same time, but I really wish it could have been possible somehow.  That you could have stayed, and that you and Isaac could have grown up together.

While mummy was carrying Isaac she couldn’t look at pictures of you, or wear the necklace she had made with your hands and foot prints because they reminded her of how hard it would be to lose him too.  I’m sorry I couldn’t wear my reminder of you all the time… but now that he is here I think about you a lot. I think about how similar the two of you are, what you might have been like if you had stuck around and how much I have learnt from knowing you.

You, my dear boy, have taught me how much I wanted to be a Mum. It took me a little while to get there and you were a big price to pay, but losing you made me realise how ready I actually was, and how much I had wanted to complete our family.

You have taught me that life is hard, but even in the darkest times there are beautiful moments, like holding you, singing to you, and kissing your tiny nose.  That we are loved by so many, and that even though your wider family is very large and a bit messy, this family of ours is supportive and reliable and even more important than I had ever realised.

You have taught me to be stronger, to hold on, and to hope even when it isn’t easy. You have taught me to trust and because of you my faith is deeper and more real. I know I will see you again and I know there was a purpose for you coming and going… but I just have to wait, heaven is not so far.  You have taught me that I can get up in the morning, even if I need daddy to help me… and that the sun will shine and I can get through the day… even when it is really hard… thanks for the beautiful wether today to remind me.

Because of you I got to watch your dad become a great dad and an even better husband. He is so much stronger, more faithful and loving than I knew before this.  You have made us an even better team.

You have taught me I am not alone, since losing you I have spoken to, heard from and read about so many other women and families that have been through this grief of losing something so precious. That as ugly as it is, 5 babies are born sleeping everyday in Australia, a country with the best medical care and resources… and this is a stat that still breaks mum’s heart.  You have made me advocate and encouraged me to speak out about heartache and loss so that hopefully no other babies have to go too soon, and no other mummies are left with empty arms.

But most importantly my sweet baby boy, you have made me a better Mum. Because I loved you first, I hold Isaac tighter, I speak up when I am worried and I don’t take any of it for granted.  You have taught me that I could do it… that I was made to be a Mum.  Of course because I now know that precious little boys can be taken away, I am scared, but I am holding on to him with all that I am. I tell him all about you and I know you have been watching over him, because there is no way he would have known to go limb first without your cheeky influence.  You two would have gotten into all kinds of trouble together.

Today daddy and I will visit Isaac, but then we will go and have some pink donuts and a Turkish delight milkshake and think about you… how you made us parents, how you taught us to love and together we will try to work out how we go on without you for another year.

I love you little one and I miss you,

Sleep well precious boy,

Love mummy. 

26weeks & 56minutes…

Ok… it’s been a while… months in fact.. but there has been a really good reason…

When I posted my last blog… right before my birthday, I was 9ish weeks pregnant and pretending to be upbeat and excited about my birthday, rather than crawling back into bed to sleep the whole of the first trimester away.  I had been waiting to post about the second little baby George because I was really really nervous about letting people know.  I was scared that we would lose this baby as well, and I wasn’t sure how I would ever be able to cope losing another child let alone telling the world that it had happened. So… after losing Josh at 24 weeks last year, and the doctors telling us that if we could get to 26 weeks the baby would have a much better chance, 26 weeks became my magic number.  The number after which I would tell the world about baby George no. 2, I would start clearing out the room again and I would start purchasing things we would need like a cot and pram etc. It was the number that I needed to get to before I would let myself believe things would be ok… that we would get to keep this baby and I could let myself breathe…

26 weeks was 9 weeks ago… and the last 9 weeks have been quite a rollercoaster. In week 25 of my pregnancy I was admitted to hospital for bed rest in the hope that it would delay baby George from making an unexpected arrival. After the initial shock of potentially having to stay in hospital lying down until November, I had settled in and was ready for the long hall and secretly pretty excited that I could ride out the rest of winter in air-conditioned comfort, because if all went according to plan, I wouldn’t be leaving until it was pretty much summer… but it wasn’t to be… On Tuesday 1st August, 56 minutes into week 26 Isaac Ezekiel arrived… 35cm long and 827g.

Isaac arrived in a hurry, and just like his brother, had turned around at the last minute to make his entry more dramatic, needing an emergency caesarean as he had decided to come feet first. But, he arrived, breathing and even letting out a small cry which is a moment that I will never forget. Despite all the panic and fear that I felt that night, hearing that cry and knowing he was alive brought so much relief.  That night Dave and I took up a joint residence, in many ways, at the hospital, as even though we could go home after a week, Isaac had to stay.

Once again our lives were turned upside down. I had been expecting that taking a baby home… preferably at full term, would change our lives totally, but I wasn’t expecting the ups and downs of having a baby that had to stay in the Neonatal Intensive Care Unit (NICU). It has been so bitter-sweet visiting him, first in his isolette (humidicrib) and now in his cot… because all the emotion of having a baby is still there, but you can’t just pick him up, you can’t hold him until he falls asleep, and you are always wondering what will happen to him.  Even little things like changing his nappy is quite a task through the little arm holes in the cot, especially if you have tiny little arms like mine. Yet, he is here, he is alive and he is ok… and that is all that really matters.

Fast forward to today and Isaac is still doing well, I think I would even say really well… although there is still a huge part of me that is still waiting for something awful to happen that will take him from us. Dave and I have spent every day of the last 9 weeks traveling from home to the hospital and back again between breast pump expressions, baby store trips and tiny pockets of sleep. Our lives look and feel totally unrecognisable, and while that is probably true… and maybe even standard, for most new parents, I feel like our newborn phase one, the phase while he is in hospital, would have been totally unfathomable to me, if you had have described it to me before now.

Isaac is so strong and much braver than me. He has already faced so much and it is impossible to describe how proud I am of him. There is still fear… fear about whether or not his difficult and dramatic start to life will have any impact on him as he grows… wondering if everything has continued to develop and grow the way it should have if he was still inside, but there is also hope and faith.

Just before we found out we were having Isaac, I had been praying a lot about having children and really felt like I had to give my desperate desire for a family over to God. I knew that my faith was bigger, and my relationship with Him was more important than the plans I had for my own life.  That ultimately God’s plans for Dave and I were better… even if they didn’t look like the ‘good’ plans I had come up with… so one night a church event, in tears, I handed it all back, making peace with the fact that if God called me to follow him childless… I would. Minutes after praying this alone and with Dave, a man, whose name I do not know, asked to pray with us and unprompted, specifically prophesied children in our future… at the time we didn’t know we were already pregnant, but we knew there would be a child… a promised child and that was enough. So when we found out we were pregnant again we were pretty excited and I really felt that this was the promised baby I would get to keep.

So when Isaac arrived so early and so little I had to choose to hold on to the promise I had for him and to remember that God loved him even more than I did, and that even though it didn’t look the way I thought, protection and promise would look… that God was holding him and knitting him together just as He said he would.  This choice to trust and declare good things for his little life were why we chose to name him Isaac Ezekiel… Isaac means “he will laugh, he will rejoice” and Ezekiel means “God will strengthen”.  We liked them together and thought of them as a bit of a prophetic declaration over his life, regardless of what we could see then and can see now.

It’s really hard to trust and hope when things have gone so badly before and when you are a bit of a control freak and think you know how things should be… but I have had to learn to… and God has been faithful.  Isaac is here and he is healthy and now he is getting bigger and stronger everyday.  In fact so dramatic has his improvement been in the last week and a bit, Dave and I have had to get a wriggle on with setting up his room, because he could be coming home very soon. Most likely we will need to wait until his due date, so still early November, but in the chaos of the last 9weeks… that’s now only 5 weeks away… and then phase two, the newborn at home phase will begin…

Between now and then there is still a lot to do, finish the room, learn to breastfeed, work out what the heck we are doing… oh and the list, I haven’t forgotten about that… its been buzzing away in the background… but it was time to write, time to share and time to add Zac to the Curious George family.  Hopefully now as we settle into this new routine of being parents, I will get back to blogging a little more regularly, because I have missed it… but it was hard to know where to start… but here it is… the last 6 months of our crazy and very unpredictable life…

170929_GBlue_Isaac_2516_Lge

P.S Until recently I hadn’t read the original Curious George book… we read it to Zac in the hospital… and it’s pretty nuts… who just takes a monkey from the jungle and expects it to be house trained?

P.P.S This wonderful photo is thanks to Heartfelt, who, once again, have given Dave and I a beautiful gift of photographic memory of this really difficult chapter in our families lives… they are truly wonderful.